All They Want For Christmas…

‘Tis the season! In less than one week, little Jimmy will receive that toy he’s wanted all year, dad will go ‘Gangnam style’ after having too much wine and I’ll be performing the annual charade when grandma gives me a pair of socks from Peacocks. With all that in mind, we’ve come up with this list of what the Premier League clubs are probably asking Santa for.

Arsenal: A decent defender

Shipping 19 goals in the Premier League this season is not Championship-winning material. Of those 19, three were to Stoke, who managed to score three for the first time for seven months. Even a centre back partnership of Pascal Cygan and Phillipe Senderos could have done better than that.

Villa: A goal
Just ten goals this season really makes you appreciate the days Emile Heskey wore a Villa shirt. Well, maybe not. But you get the point.

Burnley: Steroids
Because at the moment, Burnley look like they’ll need some serious help to keep up with the pace of the Premier League.

Chelsea: A clean history
There was a time before money, but the KGB have deleted all reference to it. And all we have left are the soiled remains of Peter Bonetti’s memory.

City: Etihad 2.0
What do you get the kid who has everything? A 90,000 seater stadium with platinum dugouts, a Nando’s at each turnstile and a chandelier dangling from the roof, that’s what.

Everton: To get expelled from Europe
Last season they were flying high. They conceded just two goals less than Man City, lost just two more than all of the top 3 and were generally a proper threat. This year they’re about as threatening as a reindeer in an elf costume, but what’s changed? European football.

Hull: A new owner
Assem Allam upset a few fans on Humberside. He wanted to change the name of the club to Hull City Tigers, but the people of Hull revolted. It seems that he is now an ASBO away from following in the footsteps of Vincent Tan and descending his club into anarchy.

Liverpool: A big refund
They will be desperately trying to find the receipt for Balotelli. On Sunday against United, Mario had a pass completion rate of just 33%, four attempts and just one on target. He cost the club £16 million and is yet to deliver a single PL goal… Shocking.

Leicester: A parachute
Leicester are in absolute free fall at the moment and they don’t look like stopping until they’ve plummeted to the deep, dark depths of the Championship.

Newcastle: More patient fans
If the Geordies had it their way, Alan Pardew would be spending Christmas unemployed and drinking whiskey in the Trafford Centre whilst slurrily shouting at old people. Instead, Mike Ashley kept the faith and now Newcastle lie in 7th place.

Palace: A recording contract
This one is more for their fans as they don’t half sing a lot and they are in fact much better than the Simon Cowell sponsored idiocy that’s been polluting our TV screens every Saturday and Sunday night. So surely South London’s finest deserve a shot at the big time?

QPR: A way to keep Austin
He’s scored six more goals than any other R’s player. Without him Rangers would likely be bottom of the table and facing up to an almost certain relegation.

Sunderland: A match winner
No team has drawn more matches at this stage of the season than The Mackems. They’ve drawn 10 so far including six of their last seven. Wouldn’t Austin be perfect for them?

Southampton: Worldwide transfer ban
The Saints have done remarkably well after selling most of their squad. Just imagine if none of their players got poached by the predators of Arsenal and Liverpool. Bale, Walcott, Chamberlain, Lovren, Lallana and Lambert all in one team. Then imagine it without Lovren. Even better eh?

Spurs: Friendlier Neighbours
Unsurprisingly, Arsenal and West Ham aren’t overflowing with Christmas spirit when it comes to lending Spurs their ground while White Hart Lane is under reconstruction. Milton Keynes is looking the most likely refuge for our friends from North London, much to the dismay of their fans.

Stoke: A change in the fixture list
I’m sure the chants of ‘can we play you every week?’ from the Stoke fans were sincere after yet another victory against Arsenal. If that happened they’d probably be pushing for the title. But if we’re thinking about the welfare of the Arsenal players, it is perhaps a good thing that Shawcross and Huth can only get away with physically assaulting them twice a year.

Swansea: Roberto Martinez
Gary Monk is doing a pretty sound job. But it was Roberto Martinez who really brought in the ‘Barca style of play’ that earned Swansea respect in the Premier League. And Mr Monk still has the look of someone expecting to be found out at any minute.

Manchester United: Some money in their card
Every kid loves getting cash at Christmas. Like a spoilt child, Van Gaal has been reckless in spending the last lot of cash he got, which means that United may need a few relatives to send the good stuff over to bolster the old bank balance.

West Brom: A lesson from Suarez
Let’s be honest, they must be the most the boring club in the league, and they’re in desperate need of a profile boost. So it’d be good to see them learning from the best; get Dorrans to bite some people and see if we can get Ben Foster karate-kicking a palace fan after getting sent off for spitting at the ball boys. They’d then be good value for next season’s parachute payments.

West Ham: A new song
Bubbles, bubbles, bubbles. We get it. We appreciate the enthusiasm but it is getting a bit repetitive. Join the rest of us and sing something about the opposing fans’ mothers. Or Russell Brand’s rich-boy revolution.